Oh my gosh....I really don't know what to say. Tears are streaming down my face right now, because Kari's email was so full of love......I don't get that very much, and I guess I am not good with these emotions. I guess I usually just prefer to assume that no one needs me, or I pretend that I don't need anyone either. I guess it works as a defense mechanism.
Her post was one of the sweetest things I have ever read. Reading it, all I could think about was how close we have become over the past couple of years (God, has it been that long? lol). I really don't know what to do. Leah and I have promised ourselves that we will lose weight the healthy way now. She came over to my house last night and we both lost it. We both broke down crying because the release we both felt was something I hadn't predicted that I would feel. Hugging her and knowing that it was going to be ok, made me feel like there is hope of happiness some day.
This is so hard to do. I love everyone so much and I consider you all very very good friend. I know that I can't leave my friends like that, because I'd miss them so much, so I am thinking that I would love to stay in touch through email and what not. I really would love to start emailing. I just don't know if I can go back to SS feeling the way I do, and knowing how other people are feeling....it just doesn't seem right. If I am going to try and get through this, and lose weight more healthy by eating more cals, and still working out lots, I just don't know if I should be on SS......it's all so confusing I guess..
After watching Oprah yesterday (they were talking about happiness), I really realized alot of things. One, I haven't been happy since my ED began (grade 7), and 2 if I continue this I will never be happy. I guess I just want to see if I can try to be happy...I figure it is worth a shot. Leah and I do not want to keep doing this to ourselves.....her grades are suffering and she told me last night that "risking getting kicked out of school, for this is not worth it....I can't screw up my future over weight loss...I can't....." I really agree with her. So many times, I can't study b/c I am so focused on food. I also might star going to see and ED counsellor at school to help with the emotions. I just want to know what it's like to be happy....that's all... :(
So, Leah and I are convinced that we can lose weight the "normal" way. I gave her my word I would try. I really don't know how it will work b/c counting cals is automatic for me.....even if I don't want to, I do. I don't know how I will stop this addiction to ana....or if I even truely want to. Ahh, I am crying now....I just am so confused and so many times this past month, I hate ana for what she puts us through. It makes me so sad.....yet I still feel like I need her control. Maybe if I lose weight healthy, I will feel that control back and also wont be harming myself.....who knows.....I just look at all these people I know, and they eat tons of healthy food and still lose weight and look great, and they are not miserable 99% of the time. Their key is they dont binge. I really think that binges are what makes it so hard and frusterating. Leah and I think this will end them hopefully alltogether some day.......
I'm so upset right now....I just wanted to post some of my email to Kari because it explains alot. I can't stop crying...I even dreamed about it last night.